Maybe Just for Today (messing around with some freestyle writing)

Click this for music 
Click this for music 


Let me share with you a little story.
It's about a girl who fell in love with a broken boy.

Sometimes in order to fix something,
 something else becomes broken in the process.
This is exactly what happened.
As she was putting him back together, he was ripping her apart.

Not on purpose,
and she didn't mind it.
All she knew was that she wanted to fix him.

Nothing was right, but it was working.

But every time something on him was fixed,
something on her broke.
"But that's okay," She would say to herself.
"He's getting better. That's what matters."
She said this everyday.
Sometimes with a smile.
Sometimes in tears.

But it didn't matter because he was getting better. 
He was becoming whole again. 

Months passed. 
He was healing. 
His wounds were becoming scars.
But her scars were starting to bleed. 
It was time for him to fix her. 
But she knew he couldn't do that. 
He's not strong enough for the both of them.
...and now...neither is she...

Innocence was the key 
 She fell in love with a broken boy
 She wanted to set him free 
 She wanted to bring him joy

He wanted someone
 But he didn't want her
 He didn't know what he'd begun
 The next months were a blur

Every minute was for him
 But his broken eyes couldn't see
 Loving him was grim 
 But she couldn't leave him be

As she was fixing his heart 
 He was tearing her apart



Just messing around with some writing! Let me know what you think if you read it please :) 

The Hardest Button to Press

        The Delete Key 
click here for music for this post

Deleting things is very hard for me. 

I realized this about a year ago. 

While scrolling through my phone I came across an old friend of mine's number. Mikey Campbell.

CLICK HERE Mikey Campbell Swaggiest Kid You'd Ever Meet

Mikey passed away a little over two years ago. As I was staring down at my phone screen I found that I didn't know what to do. I kept thinking about all of the times that he called me at 1 am saying things that I should have paid closer attention to. All these memories of that crazy kid kept flowing through my head. 

I felt like if I deleted his number it would be like me officially accepting that he was gone. No, i'm not crazy, I know how death works. But never the less, I couldn't bring myself to delete the number. I knew that once it was gone, it was gone forever. I now have a few numbers in my phone that I am having the same issue with. 

It took me getting a new phone to get rid of my grandfathers (deceased)  and ex boyfriends number. 

Same thing goes for pictures as well. 

It took me about a year to delete all of the pictures on my phone of my ex. 

Why? 

Because I know that after I deleted those, the memories would slowly fade and eventually go away all together. 

It's not that I mind forgetting things...it's just knowing that I would have to let go of something that I at one point loved. 

It's much harder then expected. 

Don't believe me? 

Here's a little challenge for you. Go through your phone and delete one contact from your phone. There is at least one contact in there that you don't need anymore. Someone who you either don't need to get in contact with, or someone you can't get in contact with. 

You might be able to do it with ease.

But trust me...when you have that delete that 

one person in your life that 

you aren't ready to stop loving...then it's going to be much harder. 

What am I Waiting for?

LISTEN WHILE READING                   OMG three great song to listen 

DONE WITH THAT ONE? NEXT ONE     to quietly as you read! Gotta  

BUT THIS ONE IS GREAT TOO                       love technology!!  

LAST ONE                                                

I'm waiting for something. 

I wish I knew what that something was. 

I just know there's got to more to life than going to school and work. 

Work is frustrating because I am anything but a people person. I don't really enjoy talking to people. I used to when I was younger. But then I realized that the older I got, the more people judged me. If you just keep your head down and keep quite it's much easier to go unnoticed. Easier to avoid judgment. So, having to deal with 100's of people a day gets...stressful.  

School is boring, and I haven't learned anything new so far. It is actually really frustrating paying for classes that are a joke. I just want to learn about things that I care about. Not even that, I just want to learn things that aren't taught to a second grader. I want to write about subjects that make people uncomfortable. I want to compete with others for the highest grade. I want to be challenged. 

In high school I knew this kid who would sleep through every single one of his classes. I asked him one day why he was so tired all the time. But he told me that he didn't sleep in class because he

was tired. He slept in class because there was absolutely no reason why he needed to be there other than the fact that he needed a good attendance grade. I, of course, pointed my nose up and assumed that he was just some dumb delinquent that was probably going to fail the class. That next week the boy slept right through all of his classes as usual. I was curious about what he had scored on the end of the week exam so I glanced at his paper when our teacher handed them out. Get this, he scored 100%. It wasn't an easy assignment, either. He ended up passing the class with an A.

I never really understood it until now. I am almost 100% positive that I could sleep through all of my current classes and still manage to pass my classes with a B or higher. 

I know it's only one semester and I shouldn't be complaining...but I am so bored. I can't even handle it. I'm ready to go ahead and start a career. I'm tired of doing assignments that in the end mean nothing. They are things that as soon as they are graded I will be throwing away. 

I want to have a deadline to meet. I want to make a difference to something that matters. Not just another student that is about to have another paper graded. 

I want to do math problems that take up an entire page. I want to debate real issues. I want to write poetry that makes people cry. 

I guess I do know what I am waiting for. 

I am waiting for some kind of reason to be here. 

No Offense

Who Are You?

Who are you?

Out of all the stupid questions in the world, this one is the worst.

 Every year we are asked to write about, 'who we are.' Why do I loath this annual assignment so much? Well, first of all, who I am has nothing to do with how I learn or how I should be acting in a classroom environment. You should never let personal things get in the way of your school work. Second of all, teachers every year constantly ask us this question, but in reality, no one gives a damn about 'who you are.' We are all just trying to get through class. We don't want to know about your pet rock. Finally, who we are changes every damn week. Expecting a college student to be the same person two weeks in a row is almost laughable. Still need some convincing about why this question is even dumber than Donald Trump's view's on immigration? Not only am I forced to, but I would be happy to go into more detail.  

Who I am has nothing to do with my learning ability.

 ADHD is...well distracting (HA GET IT?!), but it is no ones problem but my own. It effects no one but myself. So what does sharing this fact with twenty other people do? I'll tell you what it does, NOTHING. Writing this issue down on paper won't help me, the teacher, or anyone around me. People aren't going to change anything to help someone with a problem that 11 percent of America has. (Kimberly Holland, Elsbeth Riley, Healthline) Knowing that I own a Pitbull named Isis will do what? Again, NOTHING, It doesn't matter. Everything about our personal lives is classified as 'trivial.' Being adopted from Russia barely even effects me. So why the Hell would it effect anyone in a class that I have for an hour twice a week? It doesn't. Knowing even the most important things in my life causes no effect to anyone including my teacher. 

   <<<<<<This is Isis. The more you know,

                                                                                           She's pretty hot, huh?

No one really cares about the things I have to say. 

I can almost guarantee you that no one is going to care if I told them I worked in a grocery store. Don't believe me? Ask yourself this, "Do I honestly care that this stranger collects vintage Vans shoes?" Do you? Probably not, 50% of the time we only pay attention to people that we think we can benefit from in the future. For instance, someone we are attracted to, or someone who's father is a billionaire. I don't know about you, but if I found out that someone in this class was an heir to a billionaire I might just stick a little bit closer to them. (joking of course...kinda) Although I feel this way, that doesn't go to say that I don't pay attention to people when they are talking about their personal lives. For instance, I know that the chick in the back of the classroom owns cats and I know that the the boy behind me, Wong?...Whang?...Something like that, he pays close attention to detail. So, it's not that I don't pay attention, I just know that when this semester ends it will make no difference if I knew those things or not. All that trivial information will most likely be erased from my brain as i'm sleeping anyways. Why? Because those facts don't matter. Tell you what, If the cute kid at the upper right corner of the class tells us that he's a serial killer, I'll go ahead and care enough to keep that as a note in the back of my head.  

My personality changes by the minute.

Sometimes my personality will change just from the last movie I watched. If I just got done watching Lords of Dogtown, then you'll see me all pumped up ready to skate! If I just got done watching If I Stay, I will most likely be locked up in my bedroom with a book because I'm depressed after watching that evil sadistic movie. (SIDE NOTE: Haven't watched either of those movies yet? Do it, they're both on Netflix!) One week I might be really stressed out which will turn me into your typical cynical teenage girl. Another week I might be looking forward to to an upcoming event which might make me more optimistic. (SIDE NOTE: "Falling prey to these unconscious biases can have a lasting affect on your relationship too, as gathering more information about the person, in most cases, will only serve to reinforce our original, biased judgment."- Jory Mackay. I added this is in as a side note for you for a specific reason, If you meet me and i'm not in the best of moods, please do not assume I will always be like that. It was probably caused from events that took place that day.)

"Our bodies are constants and our personalities are ever changing variables that are effected by the events that take place in our lives." -Maddie Bright

(this is me) ^^^^

<<<<If I Stay

<<<<<<Lords of Dogtown 

I realize that some people might see this and might think,

 "Wow, what a pessimist, just do the assignment. You OBVIOUSLY just don't want to put in the work." 

I probably would be thinking around the same thing if I had just read this, But that is not why I wrote it this way. I love to write, I truly do. I'm not trying to get out of an assignment or anything like that. But you can only do something you hate so many times before you snap. This is a pet peeve that has been building since the third grade. Every year for 10 years a teacher has told me, 

'Write about who you are.' I would pour my heart out on 6 or 7 pages only to realize how unimportant and unappreciated all my hard work was.  Anther kid would come up and hand in one singular paragraph and get exactly the same grade as me. So, stick a fork in me, because I am done. YES, I know that this wasn't the assignment, and to that comment I formally invite you to bite me. I will also encourage you to look a little bit closer at everything you have just read. You actually did learn quite a bit about me. You learned about my ADHD, my animals, where I work, where I came from, my favorite movies, and my hobbies. I know it most likely will make no difference, because most teachers are quite bull headed and believe in their syllabus's more so than a bible, but for any teacher reading this, STOP TELLING US TO WRITE ABOUT OURSELVES! 

Helping or Hurting

 Everyone always talks about what it's like to live with depression, but what is it like to live with a loved one that suffers from depression? 

How do you help someone who refuses to be helped? 

How do you keep someone happy when all they want to be is sad? 

       Some people have a permanent raincloud that is in constant hover above their heads. Psychology Today states, "Depression distorts your thinking. When you are depressed, your mind can play tricks on you." Perhaps that is why it is so hard to get some people to understand that life isn't as bad as they think it is. At some point in your life you've probably heard a mother or father tell you to stray away from negative people. Why do your parents tell you this? Well believe it or not, it's not because your parents hate you and strive to make your life more miserable. It is because humans are a species that develop the traits of those who we spend time with. Naturally, our first instinct is to disagree. People generally like to think of themselves as individuals. But mimicking others is in our nature as human beings. In fact, it's been proven that people that are attracted to each other will mimic each others gestures. For example, if one leans to the left, the other will also lean to the left. If one person coughs, the other one might in a few minutes. (It's a fun thing to watch for on your next date.) But just like on a date, you will also tend to naturally mimic those around you emotionally. This is exactly why your parents tell you to stay away from 'troublemakers,' or people with 'problems.' But what happens when the person with a problem is someone that you really care about? 

Have you ever known anyone that struggles with depression? It's like loving a shadow of who that person used to be. Have you ever had someone you love tell you that they don't want to live anymore? It's like getting hit the the chest with a brick. You start thinking about all of the things that you could have done to make them feel that way. You start trying everything in your power to help them. If your efforts make no difference towards their attitude it makes you feel even worse. You feel helpless. It breaks your heart to see someone you care about not care about themselves. It's as if while you're trying to put them back together they're ripping you apart in the process. 

It's hard for others to understand why you still associate with that person. They don't understand why you try so hard to help someone that doesn't want your help. But for a lot of people, the answer is simply fear. The fear of 'what if.' 

What if you did stop caring? 

What if you did give up on trying? 

Either one of two things would happen. 

A. They will be fine and fix themselves through self motivation.

or 

B. They won't get better and you will have to live with the fact that you could have done more to help them and didn't. But now it's too late. Because they're gone. 

There is no black and white simple solution. 

They are constantly on your mind. 

How can I make them feel better today? 

How can I make them happier? 

How can I help them? 

If I did something, would it change anything?

 It's like swimming in an ocean with the current constantly pushing against you. You go nowhere and you're constantly tired. Living with Depression is hard. 

But, living with someone who is depressed is just as hard.

References 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200907/10-little-known-facts-about-depression

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zApulZXDLVQ
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